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( shows Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi waving and poking their lightsabers at each other in A New Hope) Boooo! Do more tricks! Ughhh, who let George Lucas write a line?! - but just when you think he's been wasted, extend your lightsabers for the most badass Star Wars moment put to film: the hallway scene ( shows Darth Vader fighting a group of Rebels in a hallway), which makes Vader's next fight in the timeline even sillier than it already was. ( shows Darth Vader force-choking Orson Krennic)ĭarth Vader: Be careful not to choke on your aspirations. ( shows Princess Leia with the stolen Death Star plans) And, this feels wrong somehow.īut nothing will service fans harder and faster than Darth frickin' Vader, as a much older-sounding James Earl Jones tries to give us a new iconic scene. ( shows Grand Moff Tarkin from the back) Whoa, what an awesome way to put Tarkin in the mo- ( Tarkin turns around to reveal a fake-looking digital version of Peter Cushing's face) echhh, never mind. I'm gonna have to look that one up later. Stormtrooper: Yeah, the T-15's have been marked obsolete.
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( shows Jyn bumping into Cornelius Evazan and Ponda Baba) So that's where those cantina guys were.
![star wars a rogue story star wars a rogue story](https://alternativemovieposters.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/mocaro_rogue.jpg)
( shows Bail Organa) Hey, it's Prequel Guy! ( shows Jyn running by a pitcher of blue milk) Blue milk? Cool!Ĭ-3PO: Why does nobody ever tell me anything, R2?
Star wars a rogue story full#
( shows stormtroopers getting beaten up by sticks and staffs) Why do they even bother with the armor at all?Įnjoy one of the most beautiful Star Wars films to date that feels like the world's biggest budget fan-film, full of Easter eggs that will have die-hard fans saying.Ĭassian Andor: The Guardians of the Whills. I'd add more, but that's pretty much all there is to this guy.Ĭower before the might of the Empire, as various old dudes squabble over who gets credit for the Death Star ( Orson Krennic: We stand here amidst MY achievement, NOT YOURS!!), while down on the battlefield, stormtroopers are rolling out in two brand new flavors (shoretroopers and death troopers), but with the same old incompetence we're used to, whether they're missing easy shots, casually getting taken out, or setting up their weakness to sticks that the Ewoks would take advantage of. Rebelling alongside Jyn is K-2SO, a droid with more personality than any of the human characters Cassian, a Rebel whose most heroic moment comes when he doesn't murder someone for once ( Cassian Andor: I had every chance to pull the trigger, but did I?) Saw Gerrera, an extremist cast out of the alliance by extensive reshoots ( shows an article headline reading "Star Wars: Rogue One Originally Had Bigger Plans for Saw Gerrera") Chirrut, the blind guy who's technically not a Jedi, but, I mean, c'mon, look at this guy ( shows Chirrut expertly fighting stormtroopers) and his friend, uhhh, Gunny McShootface ( shows Baze Malbus shooting a stormtrooper in the face). But sometimes, she's pretty grumpy about it ( shows Jyn making a face similar to Grumpy Cat's) hmmm. We will.), whatever her surrogate dad tells her ( Saw Gerrera: Go with him, Jyn! You must go!), and whatever her new coworker tells her ( Jyn Erso: I'm coming with you./ Cassian Andor: No. Meet an all-new gang of Rebels you, uhhh, how do I put this?.shouldn't get too attached to ( shows K-2SO collapsing lifelessly to the floor), like Jyn Erso, the rebellious Rebel who rebels so hard, she does whatever her dad tells her ( Galen Erso: It must be destroyed./ Jyn Erso: I know. Get ready for Disney's first Star Wars Anthology movie, because there's no way in hell they'd call it Star Wars prequel number four, in what has to be the most money anyone's ever spent to fill in a plot hole, that answers your most pressing questions: how exactly did the Rebels get the plans to the Death Star? Did they grab a data tape with a giant claw machine, then use a big antenna to beam the data tape to a ship? And then did that ship transfer the data to another, smaller tape? And then did Princess Leia copy that smaller tape onto a tiny droid's (R2-D2) hard drive?! ( shows these actions occurring in the film as they are described) Y'know, whoever said this one is as good as Empire must be really into file formats.
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K-2SO: I've got a bad feeling about this. Uh-oh, they're just gonna rehash everything from Star Wars, aren't they? Now, prepare to memba the handful of years between the rise of Darth Vader and the start of A New Hope. You memba A New Hope, you memba Darth Vader.
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( user requests for a "Rouge One" Honest Trailer appear) Guys, you've seriously gotta learn how to spell "rogue".